I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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