you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
