sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
we're making bets on your personal life
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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