I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Watching her eat just hurts me
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
