she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
