Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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