Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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