ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
