you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
