Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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