I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
