I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
