I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
