i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
