and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
