he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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