can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
People in love make me want to vomit
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
