There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
