I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
