Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
