I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
