she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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