Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
