The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
