literally had 100 drinks last night.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
