1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
