i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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