Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
