You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
