i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
