enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
