Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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