i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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