Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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