I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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