you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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