I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
