She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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