this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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