News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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