two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
