i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's rum buckets o'clock
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
