so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
