Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
