my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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