the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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