is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
