I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
