Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
