I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
