p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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