Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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